He Holds Me

I was born and raised in the church. I knew that there was a God. I knew He was real as I have seen miracles with my own eyes, I also felt Him. During my last year in high school I accepted the enemies lies and became anxious about securing my future. I completely forgot that God was holding me in His palms and in charge of my whole life. I worked very hard and pursued what I thought was my calling as a make-up artist. I was working as a free-lance artist at MAC Cosmetics. I was told that in order to secure my position there I had to pick up as many shifts that were available, sell many products, all to gain the favor of my manager. But see, I was trying to fall in favor with someone to secure my future when God had already secured mine, but I chose to trust my plan over His. I no longer had time for church, bible study, anything but work came second. The only time I had to speak with the Lord was in the car on my way to work. That time was enough for God to work in me. I truly missed Him. I remember many times crying out to Him in the car, but I was not ready to let Him lead me. I wrote in a journal one night, I wanted to hear His voice and asked Him to guide me in life. Of course I forgot about this special heart filled letter I wrote to him. Weeks went by and I continued to live and breathe work. I worked so hard and I felt like my work was overlooked or it was not enough.

As this road quickly became exhausting and confusing I stayed because it was routine, it was what I was used to. I needed to secure my future even if I felt exhausted and unappreciated. The need to know what my future was going to look like was aggressively growing, I reached out to ‘psychics’ and regretted it immediately. During this time my mom became worried because not only could she sense that I was spiritually dying, but I also looked ghostly. One Saturday evening, I came home from work, ordered pizza and as I ate I felt a pain. The pain grew stronger. My mom had no doubt that it was best to check in the ER. We did. My dad and my mom came along that Saturday night with me. We spent hours in the ER and the pain had left. I was determined to leave as I did not want to be tired for work the next day. Just as I was about to ask my parents to leave, they called me in. The ER doctor ordered a CT Scan and I ensured them that I felt much better. However, an hour passed by and the doctor came in. He asked me if I was aware of the large mass I had in my left kidney. Of course I wasn’t, and I was not worried when he told me. I thought maybe it was kidney stones? Or perhaps they mixed up my scan with someone else’s (as they have done this before) I was certain that I was fine and asked to go home. He threw the word cancer and wanted to transfer me to Temple Hospital as they have a team who can help me ASAP. Nope. I asked to go home. Me have cancer? No way. I am 22. He urged me to make an appointment and I did the following Tuesday. I was annoyed because I had to call off work I went. I met this doctor who took one look at the scans, came back and told me I have renal cell carcinoma. I have to under go surgery to remove my kidney, spleen, and any other organ(s) that have been effected. Then, I have to under go chemotherapy. My whole world stopped. I was in the room with my dad and my sister, the doctor left for a moment and I cried. I couldn’t believe that I had cancer. How can my body fail me in such a way? At that moment I called God. God left me no choice but to depend on Him. I was left with no other choice but to call on Jesus. Long story short, my whole world flipped, and the most drastic change was my heart. God answered my request when I asked to hear his voice. Right before surgery as I entered the cold room with nurses and doctors I grew nervous, I heard his voice clear as day, “The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want.” Repeated three times. I even had an encounter with an angel who confirmed that voice. God gave me peace throughout my sickness. He lifted my head and restored my faith. As I prayed, I knew that I was going to be okay. I felt His peace.

During surgery, my surgeon informed me that he was shocked to see all the cancerous cells grouped together. I only had half of my left kidney removed and I did not need to be treated with chemotherapy. I recovered quickly and during my recovery I grew closer to Jesus and understood more of His promises to me. My story reminds me of King Nebuchadnezzar. God stripped him of everything he ever knew, his most precious possession, and made him live in the wild. During the wilderness he found God. I lost my life, to find it in Christ.