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Barren, Yet Full

I used to think that being barren meant my life would be empty, incomplete, unloved and unworthy. As the thoughts of “How can someone that was sexually molested as a child be worthy of carrying a promise as beautiful as a child”?; or the constant bullying as a child from my peers telling me that I was so ugly and poor and that’s the reason why boys didn’t and would never like me and that I should just kill myself now. That somehow having sex before marriage is what cursed my womb and therefore making me unable to bear a child, at least according to some so-called ignorant, religious christian folk; this and so much more made me feel even worse about myself as a woman.

The pressure & the shame of having to keep it together, always with a smile; and having to lie to people that didn’t matter by saying that we weren’t ready to be parents yet was excruciating. Anger, resentment, sadness, regret, suicidal thoughts at times is what consumed my mind on almost a daily basis. Being surrounded by people that made me feel as if there was something wrong with me because I was unable to get pregnant was unbearable. The moments where instead of asking how was I doing they would ask when was I going to get pregnant because I was getting old, and finding myself in the middle of conversations where they would give tips on positions to make it happen. I stopped myself from basking in the joy the few times when my body actually allowed life to start growing within me, because I knew that it would shortly after change its mind & forever release what to me was supposed to be my legacy. Brokenness is all I knew and remembered but that smile…

At one point I started feeling rage and yes, even hatred towards my creator. I felt as though he was torturing me by not allowing me to bear a child to my husband. Why would he constantly send prophets, pastors and evangelists to remind me of the promise of a child he once made me and never go through with it! Why would a loving God constantly do this to me for not a year, or even 5 years, but today marks 16 years that I’ve been waiting for that promise! I mean, the nerve of him right?! Year after year of family and friends announcing they were expecting yet again, broke me piece by piece everytime. It felt as though with every announcement I was getting cut in a surgical room with no anesthesia. I felt myself going deeper and deeper towards darkness. All the while sitting in a pew at church and fooling everyone that I was just fine and Jesus was my light and my strength.

2013 was when I felt as though He had really abandoned me for good. My marriage was literally in shambles, about to file for divorce because to us it was beyond irreparable. Then he allowed cancer to touch the one part of my body that was the most sacred to me, my uterus. The one organ in my body that I needed in order to carry the child I had longed after for so many years. At that point I couldn’t take it anymore. I fell on my knees on my bathroom floor and I cried out from the deepest part of my soul “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani” why have you forsaken me, why?! Have I been such a horrible daughter that you’ve allowed all of these horrible things to happen to me? You’re supposed to be a loving, caring father that protects His own! So tell me why do I feel so alone? I had never felt so broken in my life, yet in that very moment, in my most desperate hour I cried out to him relentlessly and asked him to please guide me. I couldn’t live like this anymore. That’s when he lead me to my new pastors that through their teachings helped me find my healing and made me realize that I was torturing myself through my own rebellion. I had replaced his position in my life with what I wanted the most. I was so involved in my own emotions that I had given up His position to something that wasn’t even on this earth yet. It only existed in my thoughts and my heart. This is when I realized that He had a greater plan for my life than my own plans. All of a sudden it all started to make sense to me, words that I had read over and over again had finally started to make sense.

  • That “ Before he formed me in the womb he knew me, and before I was born he consecrated me; that he appointed me as a prophet to the nations” Jeremiah 1:5

  • That “for every thing there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…” Ecclesiastes 3:1

  • That “children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward” Psalms 127:3

  • Isaiah 54 sent me into a whirlwind of emotions that I can’t even explain in words, only in tears ☺

He gives life and takes it away; He made us in His image, He makes no mistakes. He knew exactly what he was doing when He took his time creating you Psalms 139:13-16. So why do we feel like we have to question His sovereignty? He knows our future, therefore, He knows what’s best for us for every season of our life. Any child that you will or will not have comes from the hand of God himself. I had to recognize His sovereignty in my life, and I came to fully understand that in His perfect timing I would either bear a child or not. I was so focused in becoming pregnant physically that I completely neglected being pregnant spiritually. A child that only existed in my heart took first place in my life over God, family, ministry & friends. He was not withholding happiness from me, I was doing it to myself!

If He did it for Sarah, Elizabeth, Abimelech’s wife, the Shunammite woman, Rebekah, Rachel, Manoah’s wife (Samson’s mother), and even Hannah then He can surely do it for me if it pleases Him. And even if I’m never able to bear children like Michal (King Saul’s Daughter) then I’m okay with that as well (2 Samuel 6:23). This process has taught me that I wouldn’t change any of it because it has strengthened me in ways I never thought possible. It has brought me to the place where I am today in my faith and marriage. As odd as this may sound, I had to forgive God for not answering my prayers in my time. I had to let go of my bitterness, anger and disappointment. I had to learn to be happy for those women who were expecting. Their joy became mine and I’ve never felt better. Do I get sad around mother’s day? Absolutely!! I just don’t let it consume my every thought and emotion. I became whole through HIM, and in the process learned that although my womb was barren it was full through all the promises he had already given me through his word.

Rejoice, o barren one you already have everything you need for this season in your life!

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