I am VICTORIOUS, not a victim

Since the age of 6 I carried with me the pain and shame of not knowing why I bled from my private parts after a close family member had touched me. It took me years to understand why I didn’t want to be around him. Even in my teen years he often touched me inappropriately and would say that he was sorry after I would tell him I was no longer okay with that behavior. Now, life in America was different since that person stayed back in Colombia. I was not brought up in a Christian home, my parents actually never married and my faith relied on my Catholic beliefs. Until, a counselor from High School invited my mom and I to her Church. At first, I was very impressed about everything they practiced. From the head covering, to the ladies wearing skirts everyday, to the breaking of bread and so forth. However, in 2007 while I was a senior in High School I made the decision to accept the Lord as my personal savior. However, that did not mean, that I would change right away, I still made bad decisions like dating someone who wasn’t a christian. I “fell in love” and felt that he was the only one that could fill the void I had. Someone that could help me heal the pain I had from being molested as a young girl, but he had no clue about my past or about my family upbringing. Dating him made me a slave to the very sin I was told not to fall into as a young adult. I knew I was lusting, I knew I was sinning, I knew I was broken. But deep down, a voice inside of me, the holy spirit, was making me realize that I needed a break through, I needed to walk away from that relationship and sin no more, I needed to be sexually healed and learn that God was the only one that could do that. So, I did. At the age of 20 I got baptized and finally made things right with God. I was sinning no more, I finally dedicated time to the things God had desired for me long ago. Like supporting a gospel effort in the area of Castor Avenue with the Hispanic community with the couple that helped me understand God's deep love for a sinner like myself. I was there faithfully every Monday for a bilingual service and was assisting with the children's and youth class. While at the same time I was excelling academically and socially at CCP (Community College of Philadelphia). I was a college ambassador, a member of the latino club and I also hosted Spring Fling the year I graduated with my Associates from CCCP. I was finally succeeding, winning in life. When I transferred to Temple to complete my bachelors, I started going out on dates with dating “prince charming”. A gospel preacher who was brought up in a christian household. He was a teacher, and we had a lot of things in common like our love for children, youth work, antiques, vintage shops, traveling and photography. Part of me was so excited about the thought that a Christian guy was interested in a girl like me, so outgoing, so different from the other type of girls from church. A year later he asked me out and we started dating. Many things went well the first year, but when I decided to take a job in NYC and live in NJ closer to where he was, I began to notice a lot of things. There were many things that bothered me, that didnt give me peace and even though he was a Christian, God told me clearly in one of our trips to Michigan that I had to walk away from that relationship, that something was not right. That relationship scared me, it made me feel so unworthy as a woman, as a christian, as a young girl age 6 who was a victim of her cousins wrongdoing. The breakup left so many people with so many unanswered questions because we seemed like the perfect couple to do God’s work but in reality something else was happening. It took 5 years for the truth to come out about my ex, and for me to be healed from the pain he caused me. I am now a wife to an amazing husband who values every part of me and who has been an instrumental part of the healing process, God has taken me these past few years. Now my relationship with my husband, since day 1 relies solely on honesty and vulnerability. He knows everything about my childhood, the story of my first unsaved boyfriend in college and “prince charming.” My husband knows them all by name and knows exactly what God was doing in me. Looking back, I would have never imagined that my identity would change from Victim to VICTORIOUS. This happened because God had a better plan for my life. He let me walk away victorious from heartaches, pain, abuse, low self-esteem, guilt, shame, unworthiness, doubt, fear, lust, and from physical, emotional and spiritual pain. Now, I am even more Victorious because I am pregnant with my 1st child and I am so excited to see where God takes us as a family, as husband and wife, and for me as a mother. I now understand that healing had to happen in order for me to welcome my baby. I had to first forgive myself for what happened to me at such a young age, I also had to forgive myself for the bad decisions I made. I had to forgive my cousin because he himself was a victim of abuse. I had to forgive my ex like Jesús forgave me. Forgiveness brings freedom and freedom creates victory over sin. Now I can walk in faith believing every word stated in Deuteronomy 20:4. It says “For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.”