Why Me?

I once read that "God often uses our deepest pain as a launching pad for our greatest calling." This was more than true in my case a couple of years ago.

Why me? It was May 2015, I had just given birth to my second child a few months prior and was already pregnant with my 3rd child (yes, I know we didn't wait lol). My husband and I at that time lived in a small room which literally could not contain us any longer. The owner of the place, to our surprise, asked us to vacate immediately because of the space issue and we found ourselves homeless with nowhere to go.

We ended up staying with a secular friend for a couple of months. Needless to say, it did not work out because of the difference in lifestyles and we ended up leaving while losing 85% of our belongings which was stored in the basement of their house that acquired a bad case of mold. We left with nothing but some clothes, shoes and a few baby toys. Nevertheless, we continued to press on.

After some time, we had finally found a nice place to move into and it looked like things were looking up for us. We thanked God that my husband still had his job and that we had our car… until we didn’t anymore. My husband had lost his job of 10 years just one month after moving in, 2 weeks away from Christmas. I can still clearly remember the day my husband came home and told me he was let go from his job. We stood in our bedroom in silence for what felt like an eternity, both thinking the same thing, “What will we do now?”

I gave birth around New Year’s and shortly after giving birth we lost the car. We were devastated, asking God why this was happening. Why me, God? I was a hot mess. I could barely sleep. I caught a really bad case of anxiety. My chest would hurt, my breaths were short, and I would wake up in the middle of the night to pray frustrated and in pain. There were times we didn’t eat and had no idea where or how we were going to afford our rent, food, diapers, milk and clothing for the babies. Nevertheless, somehow, someway, things were being provided for us.

A few months later, we learned that the owner of the building we resided at was going to be selling that property and had to vacate as soon as possible. “Lord, again?!” is all that came to mind. Within weeks we were packed and out with nowhere to go.

How could I move forward from this? When will it get better? Why is this happening? Why me, God? We couldn’t stop wondering why have we been placed in such a situation if we had obeyed God, lived righteously, and have always strived to do right by Him, meanwhile others who do not serve the Lord are thriving. That is where I had to stop myself. I had to remind myself of Romans 5:3-4 which says “we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, endurance character and character hope.” I had to believe that something was going to come out of all of this.

Eventually, my marriage took a hit. We were both stressed and confused and we didn’t understand why, if the Lord is for us, would He allow something like this to happen to us. We began to argue and fight often. A lot of unexpected things began to surface. I had lost my husband’s focus as he began to welcome attention from outside our marriage. We had to turn to the Lord to fight for our marriage and household. If it wasn’t for the Lord and us focusing our attention on Him instead of ourselves and our situation, we would not be together today. Although we were going through what felt like perilous times, we continued to attend our church faithfully, throwing ourselves (literally) on the altar of mercy during prayer services, leaving it all at his feet. I do not know how we would have gotten through that time without the love, prayers, and support from our church family (Elohim Christian Church in Queens).

My husband had finally gained access to his 401k and withdrew it all to give us a better chance in finding a place to live. After many restless nights and a lot of running around, we finally found a place to live. A couple of months after that I found a new job, and 6 months later we finally purchased a car. For the first time in almost 2 years I felt the anxiety melt away and I could finally breathe.

Throughout all that time, as I reflect on that season of my life, God was there-in the silence, in the cries, in the pain-He was always there. I just had to be still and trust in Him. We had to shift our focus from our situation to HIM. That is the definition of putting Him first. God’s timing is not our timing, He will get you through all the “I don’t know how I’m going to get through this” times. Trust Him and leave it in His hands. Jesus Never Fails!

My purpose in life is to uplift and empower. I realized that I went through the events I have in my life so that I may help other women in similar circumstances. God created you on purpose and for a purpose. No matter what you are going through there is a lesson in it, so consider what the Lord is trying to teach you rather than focusing on the “why?”

Philippians 4:6 -7

“Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to the Lord, and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and mind in Jesus Christ.”

-Melissa Farrell