As a child growing up it was difficult finding my identity. My parents separated when I was 5 and I remember feeling so lost and confused. Things were changing so fast and it was out of my control. From here on, life was so unbalanced. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know where I fit in. My parents lived two completely different lifestyles, in two completely different atmospheres. My teenage years were an emotional rollercoaster trying to find acceptance, struggling with toxic relationships because that’s what I was exposed to and being held in bondage by lustful desires, because I wanted to feel loved and secure. I had no will power, I didn’t know how to say no, I didn’t see my value and I used my body as a distraction, so that no one would see my insecurities. I remember every time I exposed myself to something new. I was influenced by the ways of the world, but the voice of God would speak to me, telling me I didn’t belong there. Throughout the years, I kept fighting God. I asked Him why He kept trying to interfere with my life. I repeated the same thing to Him every time He spoke to me, saying, “Why can’t I just have fun like everyone else! I just want to be young and have fun. You know my heart, I’m not ready yet,” and I used that as justification for my actions. Little did I know God would interfere in such a way that was also out of my control.
It was my senior year of high school and I found myself in the emergency room unexpectedly with pain. The doctors took me in for scans and found I had a tumor that was shortly identified as Sarcoma Cancer. They told me there’s no cure for this kind of cancer, not even chemotherapy. It was identified as rare and mysterious, unknown how to treat except through aggressive surgery and radiation. Immediately, I looked at God! I couldn’t escape this one. I knew God had been calling me and I kept ignoring His voice. I just wanted to do what everyone else was doing. I found myself asking God, “Why? Why me!” After dealing with my selfishness and thoughts of more insecurities that will come from having a scar on my body, I had my first surgery. But to my surprise, the doctor explained they didn’t get everything out. After hearing I needed another surgery, which meant another scar, and being told I needed to see a fertility specialist, I didn’t know how much more I could take. The guy that I was with at the time wasn’t someone I saw myself spending my life with. I felt lost and confused, things were spinning out of my control. I felt like I had no more strength in my physical body left to fight. I stopped going to the doctors and I started going back to church.
Life really started to sink in and it started to hit me hard. I didn’t know what else to do. I found myself in my mother’s room, alone, crying out to God in anger, “Why God? Why me! Why would you let this happen to me?” I started to break down. I didn’t have any strength left. I could barely breathe. I held on to the only scripture I knew at the time: Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” I fell on my knees in tears, crying out to God to heal me. I used all the faith I had. I asked God to perform a miracle in my body and I began to see within my spirit the heavens open and God pouring out his healing power over me and saying to me, “My daughter, stop your suffering, go and be in peace, I have healed you.” At that moment, I felt all the pain leave my body and peace unexplainable overwhelmed me. I cried, weeping in thanks unto God, in disbelief that He chose me! I felt lighter, like as if all the weight I was carrying on my shoulders had been lifted off. I couldn’t believe God came to me. My Daddy answered me! I ignored Him, I pushed Him away, I didn’t want to stop my life for Him and yet, He still chose to stop for me.
After giving God thanks, I got so excited to go back to the doctors and prove everyone wrong, because I knew God healed me. So, I got an MRI and the tumor and the cancer was completely gone! But God wasn’t done yet. I found myself back in my old ways. How? How could I go back to living life the way I used to? The miracle God performed in my life was an immediate healing but my mind and heart still needed to catch up. I found myself running from God again. Sin kept sneaking in and I didn’t know how to ask God to forgive me. I didn’t know God would still love me even though I wasn’t perfect. I felt like I kept failing Him. I couldn’t be faithful. I didn’t know what forgiveness was. All I knew was how to run because that’s what I was exposed to. I didn’t think He wanted me anymore after He saw how flawed I was. I didn’t know what unconditional love was. When I needed God the most, I would run. But God never left me. He kept speaking to me amongst all the noise. I can still remember hearing Him speak to me in the club saying I didn’t belong there and that He called me to be different. But I was upset everyone else was basically allowed to do what they wanted and I felt like I wasn’t. Why did I have to be called to live differently?
The tumor came back, but it was different. This time it was bigger, although not cancerous. God spoke to me and said “Its time. Surrender now.” He told me this time I was going to have to fight. This time I was going to have to learn how to lean on Him and trust in Him. He was going to see me through and He was going to do something new. So I got immediate surgery. I had 94 staples, more than 10% of the main muscle I use to walk, removed, as well as most of my right pelvic bone coupled with months of rehabilitation and occupational therapy. I was told I would never walk normally again. There were moments I felt defeated, hearing the voices of the doctors saying I will walk with a limp for the rest of my life. But God had a different story written for me. I refused to accept the doctor’s prediction for my life. I knew God had different plans and what He did before He could do again. Not only could I walk normally again, but I could run and dance for the Lord! He restored me, gave me hope and a firm foundation.
You see, it wasn’t the healing of God that saved me, it was His unfailing love. He never gave up on me, he never stopped chasing me. His love never changed, He continued to pursue me, even when I didn’t want Him to. It was His love that captured me. I didn’t deserve it, but His grace covered me, His loved surrounded me and ultimately that’s what kept me. Because of His unfailing love, He could have chose someone else but He chose you.
Mark 5:34 He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace. Your suffering is over.”