When I think about my life before it was committed to Christ I feel a flood of emotions. I remember being so small and going to church with my grandmother up until I was about 13 years old. Although I was taught about who Jesus was, I was never exposed to the understanding of what it meant to have a relationship with Him. While I was being presented this idea of who Jesus was, in the same setting I was experiencing abuse in my household, watching my parents marriage deteriorate and watching my mother abuse drugs and alcohol. The whole time I was battling with the concept of God being “good”. He allowed me to live in an environment that I saw no way out of. Due to what I observed, I made the decision to stop going to church because for me there was no point. I sat in a seat every sunday “looking the part” but inside I was empty and struggled with my faith. I didn’t know what it meant to have a relationship with God. All I knew was rules and how to dress. I didn’t see or experience deliverance, peace, justice, restoration in my family, or the freedom in Christ that was being preached every sunday. I was confronted with the uncomfortable question that always popped in my mind,whenever it was time to go home after a sunday service and watch my dad hit my mother. That question was
“WHERE IS GOD”?!
As a teenager who was hurting and angry at God for allowing my family to fall apart, I rebelled and did whatever I wanted. I causally attended random churches just to feel better about myself. I was looking for an emotional experience. I was on a quest to find my purpose and I went to all the wrong places. I went everywhere except to the feet of God because I didn’t want to be held accountable. I wanted to do what made me feel good. I didn’t want to be chained to dresses and ankle skirts. That was the “ Christianity” I knew. My teenage years involved a lot of sexual relationships, abusive relationships, indulging in drugs and alcohol, being addicted to pornography, struggling with my sexual identity, fighting , struggling with suicidal thoughts, lying, verbally destroying people and hurting anyone who came my way. I was broken and hurt and I lived a huge part of my life wanting answers and revenge. I resented God the whole time because in my mind He should’ve saved my family. I looked for love and validation in all of the wrong places. Due to my parents divorce in my early adult life I felt abandoned by them. I had no home and ended up living with different friends. I started to feel hopeless and depressed and in that, I continued to self medicate with alcohol. I was un-accomplished with my life and accepted the fact that I was good for nothing and would never turn out to be anyone important. I had accepted my role in the cycle of my family curse. I was going nowhere in my education. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and had given up the search in what I should pursue for a career. As the years gradually formed, my desire to live started to decrease.
When I turned 20 years old, God spoke to me in a dream and I gave my life to Jesus. I was and still am in awe as to how God allowed me to experience who He was in such a way as that. As a result of me giving my life to Christ I was freed from my alcohol and pornography addictions. I no longer relied on other men to make me feel like I had value or was worth something. The sinful desires I had in the past were gone. As I think about what God has done in my life and how he rescued me I am beyond grateful and I know I can never pay him back for saving me and redeeming me. He healed my emotional scars and He has given me purpose, a new life, a new heart, and a calling. In my walk with God I was able to attend Bible Institute and will be finishing my fourth year in June. His love has changed my life forever and He has given me the courage to share my story. A lot of people who are close to me may not know all of what I’ve been through and a part of that gave me a lot of anxiety because it meant I was going to be exposed and vulnerable about my past, but I can't keep quiet about what God has done in my life. I went from being a person who was hopeless with no direction, to now being in a place in my life where I cannot imagine living without His presence. In this walk with God, I found my identity and my joy in Christ. He has given me an amazing husband as well as the never ending desire to encourage and help others who are struggling with similar things that I used to battle with. It's a beautiful thing to know that I spent a huge part of my life fighting against Jesus, and the whole time He was fighting for me.