I was 18, in my first year of college and in a relationship with someone in the military when I found out I was pregnant. I was filled with fear. Fear and questioning how I would take care of a baby, tell my parents, his parents, etc. When I told my boyfriend he was excited, so that made me excited. He was stationed in Texas at the time, but would be shipped off to Korea within a few months on an assignment and was going to make arrangements for me to go with him. So another fear grew, how am I going to have a baby in another country with no help, no family? Obviously, the news was devastating to my parents and also divided them in regards to their opinions on what I should do, because we’re Christians.
In the midst of all this, I get a random phone call from a woman in the military who told me my boyfriend had been in a relationship with her and she was pregnant. My world was falling apart. I made the decision to abort the baby. I knew I couldn’t provide the life for this child I would want to give it and I didn't want to bring a child into this world of a torn relationship, full of lies and deceit.
My boyfriend’s mother and my best friend went with me to have the procedure done. I remember waking up from the procedure and feeling so ashamed and alone. I cried so much and so hard. The doctor and nurse were talking to me when I got up, but I couldn’t understand what they were saying, I just couldn’t talk. I remember the nurse in the recovery room giving me cookies and juice and everything looking so blurry because of the tears.
When we left the building and got in the car, I acted as if I were asleep the whole way home, because I didn’t want to talk, it was too painful to talk about. When we got to my house, my mother-in-law and best friend helped me to the door because I was weak from the anesthesia, tears were still falling from my face. My mother opened the door and immediately started crying. I walked to my room and just fell on my bed in tears. I didn’t come out to eat, I didn’t want to see anyone and I didn’t want them to see me. I didn’t want to look at my little sister and brother because I felt I had let them down (even though they had no clue what I had done). No one checked on me or called me, not even him and I couldn’t even bring myself to talk to God. I felt so ashamed and unworthy.
The very next day I went to work. I worked at a kiosk in the middle of a mall. My heart was so heavy, I was in pain physically, but it was tolerable compared to the pain in my spirit and heart. I remember being in the middle of the kiosk in the mall and looking around at people walking and shopping, although I was surrounded by so many people, I still felt so alone. At that moment I dropped to the floor sobbing and asked God to forgive me and I was so sorry for what I did. That is where the memory of what I did stopped.
After that day, I never talked to anyone about it and just buried it until I was about 30 and was on my walk with God. I remember being in my living room while no one was home, I dropped to my knees and gave all of my burdens to God. Especially the abortion, because it was something that I constantly thought about, yet talked to noone about. I felt so lonely, but at that moment God lifted that burden off of me for the first time. I remember talking to my sister and my mom about it and saying, “I am ok now, I am forgiven.”
Last year, I attended the When She Prays Conference and a guest speaker, in the pulpit, admitted in front of over 100 women that she had an abortion too. She pointed to her husband and shared about his love and support for her and the gift of forgiveness from God. I literally fell to my knees, it was as if I was talking through her and confessing this sin in a church. I had given it to God, just me and Him years ago, but never in a million years did I ever think I could talk about it in a church. I was still condemning myself, even though I knew God had forgiven me.
Here I am a year later, telling my story at When She Prays 2019, as well as telling all of you HE has forgiven you! Please stop condemning and not forgiving yourself. He loves you and wants you to come to Him. Give it to Him! Jesus bears all of our burdens, yes even here in a church, because the church is full of broken people, not perfect people.
Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. ~ Deuteronomy 31:6