Letting go of the need to know why

In October of 2000 at the age of 22, I gave birth to my second daughter. During the pregnancy, I decided to have a tubal ligation (my tubes tied). My reason being, I had been married for 4 years and I honestly didn’t think we were going to last. Due to my age and the fact that I would only have two children I was given counseling before the doctor signed off. Sometime after the tubal ligation my body went haywire, my menstrual cycles were longer, heavier, and very painful. I saw doctor after doctor but none of them felt that my issues came from my tubal litigation, they didn’t listen to what I knew about my body. Fast forward to 2008, I started longing for a son. Even though I wasn’t seeking God at the time, I believed in Him and knew He could do miracles. I started praying and asking God for a miracle because I knew I couldn’t get pregnant. I continuously prayed and remembered feeling disappointed every month when my menstrual cycle came. One day while at my doctors office I was explaining to the medical assistant my complications since the tubal ligation and how regretful I was. She immediately gave me information about tubal ligation reversal. I did not tell her anything about me wanting another baby, just the side effects of the procedure, so I took this as “a sign." I saw the doctor, and give him a run down of the issues with my menstrual cycle. On my second visit, I told the doctor that I want a tubal reversal. He tells me he wants to get to the bottom of why I am having so many complications with my cycle first; finally someone who listened! The doctor does a procedure known as a hysteroscopy, to see what’s going on inside of my uterus and at the same time to measure what I have left of tubes to see if a reversal was even possible. I prayed to God, “If it’s not your will for me to have another baby then don’t let the reversal be possible.” When I awoke from the anesthesia and the doctor came to talk to me I was told that I had more than enough of my fallopian tube left for him to perform the reversal. I was so happy and took that as “sign number two.” My reversal procedure was done on Friday, May 21, 2010. On Sunday, October 17, 2010 I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy. Unfortunately, on Wednesday October 20, 2010 I went to the bathroom and saw that I was bleeding. This would be my first ectopic pregnancy/miscarriage. The pregnancy implanted outside my uterus. I began going to church in the beginning of the new year of 2011. I was happy and loving my spiritual walk. On Thursday March 17, 2011 I found out I was pregnant again. The doctor told me, he didn’t think the pregnancy was viable because my hormone levels were low. He decided to put me on bedrest, and repeated the bloodwork to see if my levels would rise. My levels were rising, but not at the normal rate. We were at church that Sunday night and an evangelist was there, he’s preaching and it's like he’s talking right to me, I broke down in tears and told him, “I’m pregnant, but the doctors say, "the baby is not going to make it." He looks at me and tells me, “don’t listen to what the doctor's say, you hold on to your faith that-that baby is going to be alright and you watch everything is going to be alright.” I took that word, it was mine! I said, “yeah, my baby is going to make it and this will be my testimony, the doctor's said the baby wouldn’t make it but it's going to be okay, just watch!” Since we had access to the church, I was there every extra moment I had at the altar praying, because I felt that’s where I was closest to God. On Monday, March 28, 2011, I began bleeding and getting dizzy. I went to the hospital and they did an ultrasound. During the ultrasound I prayed and prayed, “Lord, let them see something.” I’m wheeled back up to my room in silence. I hear my nurse’s name called over the intercom, they call her and say, “your RhoGam is ready,” I started crying uncontrollably in the room and telling my husband, "that’s for me, I lost the baby." A few minutes later the doctor came in to confirm my fears. Another miscarriage… A year goes by and I start thinking it’s not going to happen for me. On Tuesday, Dec 4, 2012, I found out I was pregnant again, but this time I was scared to feel happy. This time around my body was doing everything it was supposed to be doing, my numbers were perfect and my uterus was creating the lining to protect the baby. I finally felt happy. On Monday, December 24, 2012, I am rushed to the emergency room AGAIN in pain. During the ultrasound I can tell that it wasn’t going well and I started to pray for a Christmas miracle. I was then told, “we’re sorry to tell you this on Christmas Eve, but we can confirm swelling in your right fallopian tube,” that pregnancy was also ectopic. I began treatment with methotrexate shots. On Thursday, January 10, 2013, I began experiencing pain on my right side which turned out to be the ectopic pregnancy rupture. I was rushed to the hospital and emergency surgery was performed because I was bleeding internally. I lost the baby, my right fallopian tube, and my chances of getting pregnant again. My dreams of having a son were crushed. I kept going to church, but with time I became depressed. All of a sudden I was surrounded by women getting abortions. I was only able to talk two of them out of it, (I WOULD NEVER JUDGE A WOMAN FOR GETTING AN ABORTION, IF ANYTHING I FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE NEVER FACED THAT DECISION). I was feeling angry with Him, I said, “God, you took my babies, but you’re giving them one and they’re throwing it in the trash, how is this just?” As time went by I slowly stopped praying, reading the Bible, and going to church altogether. I told my husband I was done with church. If he wanted to continue going, that was his choice. As for me, I was not going anymore. I became bitter and angry with God. I began to cry to Him , “ I BELIEVED! I HAD FAITH! Why didn’t my mountain move like your word says that it will? I held on to the promise of your word and what good did that do me? Why do Pastors and church people tell you to have faith just so that when something goes wrong they can say it wasn’t Gods will? You’re supposed to be a loving God, but you don’t feel loving, you feel cruel! THIS all feels so cruel, are you up there laughing at my pain?” All I did at this point was question God. Another night while blinded by my pain, I begged God to allow me to be in an accident so bad it would cause me to forget my miscarriages. I didn’t care about any other time I lost, I just wanted to stop hurting. My depression, anger, and bitterness consumed me. January of 2017, they were doing the corporate fast at church. I had not been to church in months and my husband was the only one fasting in our home. The fast was supposed to end that Wednesday and my husband tells me Pastor Alvarez said he wants to see you there. Now I’m stuck, because I don’t want to be disrespectful, this was a direct request from the Pastor, but I still didn’t want to go. My husband is hours from going to church and asked me if I was going. I replied, “No, I’m not going.” He leaves and comes back a couple of hours Iater. During the time he was gone, I changed my mind. I was dressed and said, “fine, let's go.” I did not know then, but my husband had gone to walk the park, during his walk he stopped at the gazebo and was praying for me AND for me to change my mind! When the service ended they began doing the prayer line and I get up to go. As I’m in line I start having an internal battle. I hear a voice saying, “you didn’t fast, you don’t deserve to be here,” another voice is saying, “what are you going up there for, how many times have you gotten prayer and nothing changed.” I’m standing there with these voices in my head and literally one foot pointing one way and the other foot pointing the other. I was being pulled in between do I sit back down, or do I go through the line? My sister in law, Joanne, gives me a nudge and I go through the line. When I get to Pastor Edgar he puts the microphone down and starts speaking to me personally, only he and I can hear what he is saying, he begins breaking down the walls of anger and bitterness that I had built. I continue going through the line as the Elders, Deacons, and Deaconess all lay hands on me. I get to Pastor Charisse she puts her hand on my forehead and says, “it’s not over yet Maritza,” and my knees just went to jello, I fell to my knees as she prayed and I began to cry, but I also felt a giant weight lift from my shoulders. Almost 7 years of pain I was carrying around, the anger, the bitterness, it all began to lift in that instant. I can honestly say that in that moment I got my breakthrough. I finally began to heal emotionally from the miscarriages I had suffered and the depression I spiraled into. After that day, I was able to stop questioning God about why I had to lose my babies, I was able let go of my need to know why. Pastor Edgar has always said that sometimes we don’t go through things for ourselves, we go through them for other people. Months after my break through my oldest daughter suffered a miscarriage and I was able to be there for her and truly understand her pain because of my experiences. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths. ~ Proverbs 3: 5-6